I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
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A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS