Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
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Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.