ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
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When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Miscakes
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Truth
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.