Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
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my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.