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me: liamneesonskid
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Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?