too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
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My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
All set.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information