Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
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Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Bartenders are just boneless bars
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.