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On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her