Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
You Might Also Like
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.