The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
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Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
This is sending me to another galaxy
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Before crowbars crows drank alone
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)