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him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
“I FIXED IT!”
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.