Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
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Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
President The Rock Obama
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.