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Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
President The Rock Obama
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
NASA has no chill
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*