therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
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I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.