The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
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[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.