I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
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wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”