Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
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what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
he looks great for his age
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking