My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
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A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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