Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
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*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?