Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
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I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.