I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
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A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Monday?
No. Next question.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it