For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
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[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules