Roses are red
Violets are blue
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How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]