Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
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Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
A dad and his duck
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride