I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
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Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense