After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
You Might Also Like
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.