The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
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them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
the greatest twitter interaction
Twitter is an abusement park.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.