For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
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People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker