It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
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[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.