Close call…
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I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes