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I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.