[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
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Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
This is a true ally.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.