Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
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A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet