Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
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Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.