7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
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I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.