Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
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me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life