my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
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Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy