Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
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I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
cause of death:
autopsy.