God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
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I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’