Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
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Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.