You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
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PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”