interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
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Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya