Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
You Might Also Like
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*