Is Mercury still in the microwave?
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you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards