It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
You Might Also Like
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.