*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
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I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I love wikipedia
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
man: wait
time: no
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??