[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
You Might Also Like
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.