me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
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First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Life cycle of cat