The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
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Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!