Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
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ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Why is this me 😫
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.